Ashley Mason Ashley Mason

Personality Disorders: Narcissism (Narcissism explained differently and more deeply)

I’m writing this for both of us. I find that when I work with narcissists or deal with them in my own life, no matter how much I’ve learned and experienced, I can forget the signs or push them out when I notice them. And even with all of my knowledge, they can put on a pretty good show for a long time, leaving me deep into the relationship before I realize they dynamic going on between us. I suspect it’s much the same for you.

This post is for those who want to understand narcissism more deeply - beyond the lists of traits you can find anywhere on the internet. This will help you understand the mind of the narcissist. Whether you think you might be a narcissist, or you’re dealing with one in your life, this may help you on your path to figuring out how you/they function, and from there you can make a more informed choice about how you want to behave or interact with them.

Please keep in mind that any time I speak about personality disorders, I want to stress that we all possess some of these patterns of behavior or tendencies. It’s only when those behaviors become very stubborn and seemingly deeply embedded within us to the point where we don’t have any other ways of relating that we have a real problem. 

I’ll start by offering an example of someone from my life - not a patient, just a former friend. I met Amanda through very close friends of mine. She was often in and out of Salt Lake City, so it took a while before we met. I’d heard of how she was difficult, but when I met her, I found her to be bubbly, funny, and someone who attached to me easily and seemed to seek my friendship easily, as though she weren’t self-conscious of making such an effort, unlike how insecure some of us may feel about it. As someone who needs to feel wanted to feel more secure in building a friendship, this was soothing to me at first. Over time I realized that I couldn’t have a self when I was around her. I had to bend to her will, or else she seemingly felt rejected and enraged. I endured quite a lot of verbal abuse from her before I ended the friendship - but not before trying to talk to her about the issues. She wanted nothing to do with such conversations, when prompted by me, saying, “No, I’m good,” or “Not everything needs to be talked about.” And that was it. We could go no further.

These characteristics that I will speak to you about are from Christopher Bollas’ book: Three Characters: Narcissist, Borderline, Manic Depressive (2021). I will describe these with you as though the narcissistic person were speaking about themselves to you. Direct quotes from Bollas are italicized.

  1. I find the intimate other - the one who aims to know me - invasive, unreliable, and appropriative. You may want to know me as your son, your brother, your partner, etc…but I find your inquiries invasive and intrusive. It feels like you’re only trying to know me in order to control me. I will fight you on this, even though at times it may seem like I agree with you. In truth, not much of what we talk about will get in past the surface, and you’ll probably find that I forget much of what we have discussed…as though it never happened. 

  2. I nullify the effect of this other by not seeing them. You see, anything I don’t want to take in from what we do or say together, I simply blow it off and away. As though it never happened, and as though you mean very little or nothing at all to me. I can make you feel invisible or you may find yourself having very little sense of self around me - this is because there’s only room for me. If I appear nice or kind or empathic, it’s only in order to bend you to my will so that you will become or remain my narcissistic supply. 

  3. I too am invisible. As I am not present, I am not responsible for relating. I live at the surface. This is how I protect my inner self that I have pushed down into obvlivion, and it has the added benefit of helping me feel little to no responsibility for my actions or desires. I’m so disconnected from anything real inside of myself, I do not feel connected to the ways I affect others.

  4. In place of the intimate other, I select non-invasive selves who will mirror me as I will mirror them. With detached others, detached relating is successful. I idealize you, and you idealize me, and that’s as much as I need in a relationship. Of course, my real needs are pushed so far down that I’m convinced I need no one and nothing. 

  • So, in a relationship with someone, a narcissist is likely to choose someone who can be on the surface with him, someone who will idealize him, and he can idealize them back. But as soon as a partner starts sniffing around, wanting something more deep or intimate, the partner will see how limited the narcissist really is and how defensive or controlling he’ll become toward these effort. You may not assert power or need; the narcissist wants to have all of it for himself. There is a chance of having a successful relationship if both partners are on the more narcissistic side, or sometimes a person with borderline personality features fits well with a narcissist. The narcissist provides a structure for the borderline who has a very diffuse sense of self.

  • Keep in mind that you might ask your narc. partner for something they know they cannot or will not give, and they will often collapse into pity party - something that appears as though they care, but it’s actually a deflection so that you will care for them and not push them. You’ll find over time that this never goes anywhere. They will rarely change for you.

  • If you’re a therapist working with this type of patient, they will idealize you at the beginning of treatment. They need to believe someone special, or THE BEST, is the one working with them. As the therapist you may work to build an alliance by being more supportive with this patient, and the patient feels good in this stage. The support and empathy feels like he’s truly being seen, and he will enjoy therapy as long as this is the case. But as soon as you try to push for more or try to get some actual work done, the patient will push back and will find myriad ways to negate you and your efforts.

5. If I am a positive narcissist, I can get by in life by apparently embracing a multitude of friends who will provide positive mirroring experiences, so there is no need for intimate engagement. I’m always on the lookout for shiny objects to collect - I enjoy finding people who are interesting and new and adding them to my collection. This not only makes me feel important and special by having them as “friends,” it also means that for as long as I keep collecting, I can always flit around between many people and never really connect with anyone. I can appear as though you matter and I care a lot about you, I may shower you with many compliments, and as long as you don’t see through this and you shower me back, we can be friends until I get bored or until you start expecting more. 

Sometimes if you’re around someone like this, you’ll find that you run out of things to say to each other fairly quickly or you repeat a conversation you’ve had many times. You’ll be excited to greet each other, but the conversation ultimately comes to an uncomfortable or awkward stop. This is especially true if you’re a person of substance - the narcissist will want to avoid you. They may not be conscious of it, but they will want to avoid you and your knowing. 

If they’re on the more positive end of the spectrum, they’re not all bad, and in fact have shown some useful coping strategies. They are also more likely to recognize your otherness than a negative narcissist, and they can tolerate more differences. 

I have had this experience a few times that I think fits here - I’ve found myself down the path of friendship with some people, and I end up saying to myself, “Hmm…I’m so honest with them. I don’t feel afraid to tell them what I think because they don’t get offended or they laugh it off.” And I thought this was a good thing, that it meant we had a special bond. In reality, what was happening is that they were instituting their ability to let everything run off of them, with some amount of grace, and what you don’t tend to see right away is that they can handle it with grace because they’re not really present with you. It’s like they’re living in their own reality complete with teflon wrapped around it, and what you say or think doesn’t really matter anyway, so it’s not getting in or hurting them like it might hurt you or me. If it doesn’t conform with how they see themselves, it’s simply ignored.

6. I like happenings, parties, and accidental intimacies, so I find ways of sourcing them and taking part. If anyone is watching White Lotus right now, the second season, think of the wealthy “uncle” who collects people and constantly has people around him and constantly throws parties. 

7. When my limited needs for nurturance go unmet, I can easily dump the person and find ready-to-wear others who will give me what I require. Sweetie, don’t ever think you’ll teach me a lesson or get me to change - I won’t really notice that you’ve left, and I can also easily leave you and find another cardboard person. 

8. I use the stolen other’s breast as a form of sustenance, without knowing how I have gained it. What I’m really saying here is that I’m looking for a new narcissistic supply, and perhaps I find it. I will have very little awareness of how I procured it. I will have no knowledge of how I manipulated or coerced. All that matters to me is that I found it. 

9. I cannot make this last because it is not self-generated. It was created by an other whom I can hate and envy. Even though I really want power and control over others, I actually make you veeeerrrrryyyyy powerful, and I am totally in the dark about it. My life force depends on you giving your life force to me. As I do not want to be aware of my needs, I don’t like it when you do anything to interrupt the supply. I will also hate and envy you because you have a life force to give. 

10. When things start to be unsatisfactory, I drop people and move on. As I’ve said, you are only good to me in terms of how well you mirror that which I want to be mirrored in myself. You probably pick up on what I need to hear intuitively, and you also intuit what I don’t want to hear, and before you know it, you’re making yourself smaller in order for me to be bigger.

11. I am pursued by a shroud of guilt which persecutes me, but I defer the day of judgment. So, while I may appear cool as a cucumber and unfazed by your complaints or your leaving, I do have guilt. It’s just that I’ve pushed it all the way down my entire life and have built an entire pseudo-life on top of it. The foundation cracks over time and begins to crumble, but I slap new paint on and avoid my dark feelings for as long as I can. Please hear me when I say that if you see me feel shame or see me collapse into self-pity, rest assured that this just one of the two places I live: either in grandiosity or in a shame collapse. One causes the other. I do not feel the kind of guilt or shame that makes me want to be different. I only feel it long enough to deflect the attention on my shortcomings and then once you’ve supported me, I go back to grandiosity. There is no in-between.

12. Eventually I have to experience the ineluctable disappearance of my illusions… I have lost all I have, and I sink into self-hate. 

13. A desperate final choice is to hasten my own death…

(#13 is giving Jeffrey Epstein, no?) 

Or to make you suffer. Or: 

14. If things are less dire - maybe I am part of a comfortable retirement community - then I can look in the mirror and declare undying love for myself. 

15. To be with others was always a loan program. Commitment to them was never a possibility. I can be committed only to my one true love: myself.  Whatever hope you have for your relationship with someone like this is likely for naught. I have never seen a narcissist really change their stripes until absolutely forced to. You may either learn to tolerate them (and perhaps lose yourself in the meantime) or leave them or wait it out until they’re much older and have none of their usual superficial charms - only then would they begin to step out of their false self and out of their life-long delusions. There is rarely a good outcome. 

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Ashley Mason Ashley Mason

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Sometimes we find that our emotions either make no sense, like you can’t possibly feel two things at one time without it being very confusing. We can feel sad or down, and and be unable to put our finger on the why. Or we feel anxious and think, ‘But there’s nothing to be so anxious about.' Sometimes we push others away when what we want deep down is for them to come closer; or we feel so angry and just can’t find a way to voice it. And…sometimes we don't feel much of anything, but we know something's not right? If that sounds familiar to you, I would like to help. There’s a lot that goes into why we feel the way we do, and it will take some time to explore those factors. Some you may already be aware of, and some might require help in order to surface. Through an offering of space, we explore your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors; gradually feeling safe enough to approach those that are more difficult, embarrassing, or heavy to bear.

 

If you're part of a couple seeking help, my job is to treat the couple rather than you as individuals. I will be thinking about the kind of relationship the partners have created and what expectations, some conscious and some less conscious, each individual brings into the relationship. I work to remain neutral and focused on the relationship as a whole. 

 I invite you to call or email me if you would like to ask more questions about the therapy process or to get started in therapy: ashley.mason@hey.com.

I practice psychoanalytic psychotherapy, having completed advanced training in object relations theory. What does that mean for you? Sometimes we will use our relationship as a means for understanding how you operate in the world. We might di.scuss what you're feeling toward me, our relationship, and the work we're doing.  It’s like our own private laboratory where we get to examine how you behave in real time. It will also mean that you and I will approach getting to know you by leaving no stone unturned - everything you do and say has meaning. It’s not that I will point out every single thing for discussion; it just means that all the stuff you want to put aside as meaningless, I’m probably going to point you in the direction of thinking about its meaning.

It can be frightening at first, but you get used to it. This method requires you to feel some amount of curiosity about yourself and how you operate in the world. Our main focus will be on making you more aware of yourself and most of your behaviors so that you can make an informed decision about how you’d like to move forward. Do you want to keep behaving the same way? Do you want to try something different? The choice will be up to you, and I mean that - there’s no agenda. You set the agenda and you decide what you want to be different in your life. I just help you get there.

It's important that we all take time for ourselves and invest in our own development, and I feel grateful to help others along that journey.

EDUCATION

M.S. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling: Westminster College; SLC, UT

Post-Baccalaureate in Psychology: Columbia University; NY, NY

B.A. in Political Science: Emory University; ATL, GA

ADVANCED TRAINING

Object Relations - Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy from International Psychotherapy Institute

Couples Psychotherapy - International Psychotherapy Institute

OFFICE LOCATION

I am currently located in Salt Lake City, UT. I will be moving in May 2023 to Miami, Florida. I will only be accepting patients who would be comfortable with or simply wish to meet online only.



 

 
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