#1 Way to Deal with a Narcissist

It can be summed up in one word: indifference.

Young woman indifferent to the deluge of water coming at her.

Indifference is when we don’t care one way or another about someone or something. For a narcissist, it feels horrible for anyone to be indifferent toward them. What they want most is to be seen and heard and praised. For many of us, others’ indifference would be painful but not soul-crushing; for a narcissist, it feels absolutely crazy-making.

You’re wondering why you’d want to make your loved one, the narcissist, feel horrible? Well, for your own sanity and peace of mind.

I lived with and around very narcissistic family members growing up who teased, mocked, and criticized me (my mother, grandmother, aunt, and uncle — if you’re thinking it’s unbelievable that there would be that many in one family, I agree). If I fought back, it got worse, and I felt worse. And if I let their compliments in, it meant I had to let all the other stuff in as well.

Then I started studying psychoanalytic theory and counseling and became a practicing psychotherapist.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. Take every tiny bit of communication from a narcissist with a grain of salt, emotionally-speaking. Whether it’s an insult, a threat, a compliment, or agreement with and support of you, always remember that there’s an agenda behind it. As such, stay as neutral as possible.

2. Stay calm even if you don’t feel calm. Keep your face and voice neutral. My narcissistic patients hate that they can’t read me. If they could sense what I was thinking and feeling, they’d guide themselves accordingly, whether to gain my approval or to provoke me and gain a felt sense of power over me. Staying calm has the added benefit of making sure there’s still room for me to think my own thoughts.

3. Be absolutely ruthless in sticking to the point of the conversation. Be callous. They could distract and deflect by trying to make you feel guilty or sorry for them.

Woman happy to be relentless.

In psychoanalytic circles, narcissists are usually likened to a fragile shell. There’s nothing inside to buffer them against everyday, ordinary ups and downs or the insults and hurts we all suffer.

1. Because of their brittle shell, they will collapse emotionally if they start to feel the hurt or disappointment or disgust at themselves. HOWEVER, do not be drawn into their spiral. It’s temporary and usually leads nowhere; they’re back to their normal grandiose selves as soon as they can feel better or more powerful than you or someone else.

2. You may never know what’s real or true for them. You might think you know, but it’s more likely that you don’t.

3. If you attempt to insult them back, they will feel profoundly powerful at having provoked you and, unfortunately, your energy will be drawn from you, leaving you as the one who feels empty. If we show too much empathy or approval, they immediately take us less seriously, and now we’ve offered something of ourselves that will not be reciprocated. Of course we’re not monsters and want find the empathy for this person in our lives, but it’s all too common that providing empathy to a narcissist comes at a cost to ourselves. We tend to have to negate our views and perspectives in order to provide that empathy and move forward with them.

4. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. they say to you is a projection from their internal world. It has less than zero to do with you. Operate as such.

5. Do your own work on yourself. The more you see and understand and work through inside yourself, the less likely you are to be destabilized and pulled around by a narcissist.

It’s hard work, but if you can wrap your head around it, you’ll gain a lot of confidence in yourself. Good luck.