"Blindsided" - The Anthem of the Narcisissist

I work as a therapist, I watch reality tv, and I’ve known many narcissists in my personal life. If I had a nickel for every time I heard this annoying word…ay, jesucristo. Narcissists will often gaslight you by saying they’re “blindsided” by your confrontation, your boundary, your anger, your hurt, etc… This is a very handy way to put the blame back on you. ‘You should’ve done x, y, or z before saying that!’ ‘How can you do this to me like this? This is out of nowhere!’

Sound familiar?

Really feeling himself until he gets grazed by a vehicle on the road. He screams, “How the f*** did that happen? What the f***’s wrong with you?!”

[Ok, actually, first let me make the disclaimer that I’m probably not talking about you. Many of us can be blindsided, and it’s far more innocent than what I’m explaining here.]

If you’re dealing with a narcissist (or someone with those tendencies) please swat this claim of blindsided away as you would a fly headed straight for your plate. Don’t take it seriously. Don’t contemplate whether it’s true or what you could’ve done differently. Chances are you’ve brought the issue up one hundred times, and it’s as though every time is the first time, as though the earlier conversations never happened.

While it’s probably an unconscious process for them, they have blocked out whatever the issue is because to think about it would mean facing that they did something wrong or something they may need to change. Narcissists have an almost 0% capacity for tolerating (accurate & appropriate) guilt. As such, those conversations you’ve had have been pushed right on out of awareness until you bring it up again.

It is not your job to make them remember 3, 5, or 40 more times. It’s their responsibility to hold on to that conversation you had and do their part to address the issue.

And even if you had never had one single conversation about it, to be “blindsided” is still a stretch.

Let me give an example to illustrate.

I know a man whose wife keeps telling him his reclusive behavior and substance use is causing problems for her and their family as a whole. He pays lip service to the concern, or, more often, he criticizes her for her feelings. He continues as normal. Cut to him ending up in a very life-threatening situation related to his continued patterns/choices, and his wife and children are witnesses. He brushes it under the rug. When wife confronts the issue again, and his closest friends also confront what they’re seeing, he claims he’s blindsided. Really?

OK, now say a conversation had never happened between them. She’d never brought it up. For me, and I know for many of you reading this, if my partner brought major concerns to me and told me how my choices were negatively affecting him, I’d sure as s*** be listening. It would be burned into my brain.

What’s highly unlikely is that I wouldn’t have seen it coming at all. If I’m paying attention AT ALL, I would notice that things aren’t right or that I had a nagging feeling I was messing up somehow. Maybe I was caught up with my focus being elsewhere, but when brought to my attention, I’d admit (begrudingly, perhaps) my partner was right, and I had work to do. I’d be holding myself accountable.

Saying you’re blindsided is tantamount to denial.

That’s untenable in a relationship. I encourage you to have a boundary around accountability. If that person can’t tolerate accountability for themselves, you can expect to have the same patterns repeat over and over and over…