Dear Ashley: Don't narcissists need love like everyone else? They're not evil.

Dear Ashley:

I think that people very often demonize narcissists. Do you actually understand that narcissists are human beings who need love like anyone else?

— Tim

Hi Tim:

I can’t help but wonder if you think you’re a narcissist, so you’re feeling a bit defensive? Or maybe you’re in the middle of a relationship with one, and you’re feeling defensive/doubtful about your choice to stick with them?

The problem has historically been that people prioritize their love of the narcissist over all other troubling evidence. Don’t worry, the narcissistic person is still being loved by people, but they could care less about love; they’re purely seeking validation of their power.

For many of us who’ve also been in relationships with them — whether romantic partner, family member, parent, friend, or boss — we learned over time that there wasn’t actually a lot of good in there that could be reliably felt or experienced from them.

Your question is totally negating of the experiences of so many people who’ve been hurt by a narcissistic type of person: lied to, manipulated, competed with, dismissed again and again, disregarded and ignored, abandoned emotionally or even physically when there are difficult things to discuss or address.

The well-being of the victims of this abuse weren’t considered for even a second by the narcissist. They were gaslighted, making them feel crazy and like they can’t trust themselves; they were given the silent treatment; insulted with more and more cruel remarks; subjected to knowing their partner was living some kind of double life but could never get them to admit it; had to lower themselves by agreeing to do everything on the narcissist’s terms; experience such little interest in themselves as a human from the narcissist that it makes them think they’re really not worth knowing

So they’re supposed to look past that and see the good in their cruel friend/parent/partner?

I don’t think so. That’s what got them into trouble in the first place. You see, most of us have the tendency to want to see the good in the people we love and care about, so we are most likely to ignore or explain away bad behavior and focus on the good things. We often forgive the bad behavior far too early, keeping us stuck in a relationship that’s actively hurting us.

Too often there are people like you out there who insist we must love these people and focus on their needs and the love they deserve. Do you see how that’s a total repetition of the issue at hand? Their needs are always the most important ones anyway, so the hurt and abused person is supposed to tolerate the hurt and keep focusing on loving them?

Again, I don’t think so.

That’s a cruel thing to ask of the victims. I’d rather see them get to a point where they can easily state what the narcissist did to them and feel confident about it. Not second-guessed by someone like you.

Further, I want to make something very clear — narcissistic, borderline, and psychopathic personality traits are on the same spectrum. Some people can be narcissistic and borderline but be fairly benign, albeit very annoying, in how they affect the people in their world. But some tend more toward the psychopathic end of the spectrum — little or no empathy, a total disregard for the feelings of someone else and how they might affect them, a willingness to do whatever they want and feel entitled to it with little regret. Now, unlike a truly psychopathic person, a narcissist will worry about being caught because they will be quite concerned with how they appear to others, BUT they won’t care about the act itself and the hurt it caused.

So tell me again why we should prioritize their needs over ours?