Dear Ashley - Help with a Depressed Mother?

Hi Ashley,

How do you adapt? My mother is really depressed and is dragging the whole family down. She starts a problem in the house everyday, and we don’t know why. She will scream and be dramatic to get attention. She keeps asking for money and saying what we give her is not enough for basic necessities. We give her a lot of money though. She likes to spend on personal items instead. She is irresponsible with a lot of things. If we take her out to for a time out, she finds a reason to start a scene and play victim. My Father and my siblings can’t stand her and don’t have patience with her. I am the only one in the family who tries helping her, but I don’t know what I can do. I’m pretty sure she is bipolar too. Always having mood swings. Always complaining and bickering at the family for no reason.

She won’t let our family have one normal day. I’m beginning to think this is a lot more than depression. And our family can’t take it. They just try avoiding her because she will start screaming at everyone or complaining about something. I am the one who has to fill in and help her with her errands and other stuff which she is too lazy to do. And I have to fix anything when something goes wrong with her. It is exhausting me, but what can you do?

I really wonder what she needs to get better? Is this a normal situation?

Thank you,

Sunny

OK Sunny, yours is quite a loaded situation and loaded question.

If we assume she’s not on some kind of substance, which could very well explain her erratic behavior much better than simple depression (and you should check to make sure of this — alcohol, pills, stimulants, etc…), how did she end up at a point where she’s completely dependent on the rest of the family? Is this dynamic an agreement she and your father made long ago? Why is she so dependent on others for money? Is she spending her money plus others, or does she not make any on her own?

You say you guys take her for a “time out” which sounds like she’s being treated like a child. Is there a way to treat her more like an adult? When you say she starts problems, screams, and is dramatic, it sounds like you don’t understand why she’s doing that. Does she not express herself? Not make sense? Or are you having trouble listening to her? I guess my point is — is something about her dependence on the rest of the family the reason for her erratic behavior? It could be that all the help you offer and all the dependence she’s allowed to have is what’s causing the behavior you don’t like.

For most people, our sense of self is served when we feel more independent, valued, and like we have a voice in the world. She may not feel that way.

I’m noticing how you talk about her - you’re quite critical of her. I assume there are reasons for that, but it concerns me for how the whole family speaks to her. How did it get to that point? Has it always been that way? Is that normal in your family? It sounds like a lot of criticism without a lot of understanding - you often say she has no reason to feel or behave the way she does. I doubt that’s the case. There’s either something very troubling in the dynamic between all of you, or she’s more erratic due to substances.

If you really think she’s the problem, I want you to start setting better boundaries — this will go a long way toward treating her like an adult and less like a dependent child. If it’s the case that she’s “dragging the family down” or won’t let you guys have “one normal day”, she’s only half to blame. It’s up to you and your father and your siblings to set boundaries with her. And bear in mind, there’s a way to set limits and also be warm and respectful toward her.

In a family, there may be one person showing “symptoms” but it’s the product of the entire family system, so everyone has some responsibility to take here.

Are you afraid of her? And if so, that’s a conversation for you and your father. Your father is the parent, the real adult here, and he should be the one to contain your mother and to help make it safer for the rest of you. So push on him too.

Good luck, Sunny. This is a complicated situation. Please feel free to write me with more information or more questions.

And to everyone else, please write me with your questions at ashley.mason@hey.com.

Take care out there.